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On this episode, we talk about the biggest mistake people make when quitting porn. I also share how I once spent $250/min to look at porn.
The biggest mistake people make when quitting porn is not setting any consequences for a reset. A consequence is a simple thing you determine ahead time that you will commit to doing if you have a reset. (A reset is when you have a failure or cross a bottom line with pornography or masturbation and have to reset your day counter to zero.)
Consequences I have done in the past:
- Did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen 30 days in a row
- 30 days without coffee (Starbucks)
- No TV for 30 days
- Got up with the baby 30 days in a row
I know these may seem punitive, but I needed that kind of feedback when I was starting out. Like a speeding ticket, a consequence, is a reminder of boundary that was crossed.
Benefits of Setting a Consequence
- Reinforces the boundary you set for yourself
- It shows your wife, girlfriend, or accountability partner that you are taking this seriously
- It gets you in the habit of analyzing what went wrong. (Where did I get triggered? Why did I choose to blow past my boundaries?)
- Each day you follow through on the consequence you get to think about it
- Keep in mind this penance act is not the source of our forgiveness
- It helps the reset be more meaningful
Choosing a Consequence
- It should be somewhat painful
- There should be some cost (time, money, giving something up)
- It should be something that can be implemented immediately
- I like a consequence that has a time period (30 days)
- It can be positive: checking in each day with a partner, making calls, men’s group
Take Action
- Take some time right now and think about a consequence you could set this week (It should scare you a little)
- Set it and make it so you can’t wiggle out of it
- Tell you wife or accountability partner
- Explain what will happen if you reset
- If there is a way for them to help you follow through ask for their help ahead of time
After a Reset
- Check in and come clean with those in your life who are supporting you
- Implement the consequence
- Keep going until the consequence is fully complete, then set a new one
As you get good at setting consequences (and following through) your stretches will be longer. Every time you reset you have an opportunity to learn what works for you and make the necessary changes to your plan. If you’re still resetting a lot raise the stakes.
I mentioned at the end of the episode about going to a 3-day intensive for sex addiction in Colorado. Click here for the details.
Thanks for the comments this past week. You can reach me on Twitter and Google+. On Reddit, I am PornfreeMattD.
If this is helpful to you please rate it and review at iTunes because that helps get the word out. I realize this is a porn-themed podcast, so if you don’t want to leave a public review that’s okay just leave a rating. Also tell a friend who might benefit from it.
Thanks!
– Matt
UPDATE:
The day after this podcast was recorded I got a $100 ticket for speeding in the photo enforced area I mentioned in the podcast. Ouch. But I have totally changed my driving habits now when I go through the park.
